Times really have been trying; testing my patience, testing my determination and testing my perserverance. It's been tough. Going through school in a daze, only to wake up and find myself engulfed in stress.
To many, school is just something that we have to go through. Something that can be forgotten once we leave it's premises. To me, it's not. It rules my entire life. And that scares me. Why is it that everything I do, I think "Oh wait but there's that test coming up" or "Oh crap I havent done that yet" or "Gah I'm going to fail". It totally sucks; wayy wayyyy too much.
It's not easy, being like this. It's not easy feeling like you're the only one who really cannot cope. It's not easy knowing that you will fail.
Other's are smart, others are hardworking. What about me? I'm the girl who loves to procrastinate, the girl who's just that much slower than everyone else. The girl with the creative spirit who still just feels like a dim candle light in the middle of a sea of spotlights.
On the surface, I look like I've got it all. In a good school, much smarter than most; an all-rounded student with various leadership roles and a good mix of studies. I've got a family who is being spared by the financial crisis, I've got independence and freedom, I've got lots of awesome stuff and awesome friends, and yet...
I can't handle my life. Going through the tests, the homework, always not being able to do them on my own, always lying on the borderline, most of the time one of the worst in the class. School makes up too much of my life now. Yeah SO WHAT if I'm a student? SO WHAT if I'm supposed to be all about school. Does anyone even know how much that SUCKS? Does anyone know how much it kills me?
The pain surrounds me, prickling on my skin, clawing through my head, piercing through my body. I'm drowning and I know it.
Drowning...
...drowning...
...
posted @ 8:33 PM |
Sunday, August 23, 2009
It started with just a casual turn of the head. Just a casual glace.
Suddenly, she focused. She saw his fingers working gracefully. She saw his utter concentration. It was surprising. She was intrigued.
"What's he doing?" She wondered.
She proceeded to voice out this thought and saw him look up to meet her gaze.
"Want to help me?"
Her reply was to move over and sit beside him.
"How?"
No answer.
Shrugging, she mimicked his movements. Observe, look down, press, squeeze, pull, mold and observe again.
After he finished the section he was working on, he turned to her, waiting.
She had not quite completed yet though. In exasperation, he took over.
She continued to watch intently. Fingers, hands, eyes and fingers again.
Who'd have known that he was capable of this? She thought with a smirk.
Finally, it was done.
A beautifully simple flower smiled at her.
"So pretty..." She murmured.
He looked at her once more before...
HE CRUSHED IT.
Shock coloured her expression; her mouth agape.
"WHAT?!?!"
He laughed, enjoying her reaction. Annoyance and shock mixed and simmered in her mind.
"It's not perfect you see. And I can always make it again," he explained.
She head was still ringing with the word "What???". She shook her head, disbelieving.
"Insanity" she thought.
__________________________________________________
When things are not perfect, we have to learn to let them go.
Our lives are made up of tries. Tries to complete a task, tries to convince and persuade, tries to plan and execute.
Relationships for example. Many relationships will expire someday. Even if we've worked hard toiling, pouring in sweat and blood, when the thing we've built has flaws, we must acknowledge them. When the structure begins to fail, when the cracks begin to widen, we have to notice them. We must not deceive ourselves.
When things are not working out, when we know there's no way to salvage, we must learn to say goodbye.
We must learn to let go.
Just open your hands.
Release.
Only when we've let go of what we were not meant to be deaperately holding on to, can we realise that there are new things waiting for us to reach out and grab hold of.
posted @ 7:47 PM |
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Being strong is important, but being strong is not everything.
what if she feels sad? What if she feel's lonely? Expression is not something that should be looked down upon. What we feel, we learn. What we see, we remember. What we understand, we apply. Do not be afraid to express yourself. Do not be afraid to cry.
"Time heals all wounds". It's cliched. Why? Because it's true. It may seem false at times, but we humans do learn to live again. It is not possible to die when our souls know that there is so much more to live for. Believe.
It is those that have been beaten and bruised that fully appreciate comfort. It is those who know emptiness that understand friendship. It is those who have survived despair that can truly say "I've lived".
There can be no light without darkness. There can be no pride without shame.
Grasp that.
Heed that.
Feel.
Hers is not a story of happiness, nor is it one of pain. Hers is a story only she can write for herself. It is the story she calls "My Life".
Be brave, be true and be real.
Don't hide yourself from the world and it will unfold itself for you.
posted @ 12:20 AM |
Monday, August 17, 2009
AHH THERES TOO MUCH HOMEWORK TODAY. DIE. DIE. DIE.
"Dance Wiv Me" is awesome. ;D
Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging is so so so greaaatt. >^
posted @ 7:56 PM |
Ahaha. NYPS 92nd Founders Day Dinner. ;D
posted @ 7:53 PM |
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Haha I just came back from the NYPS Founder's Day dinner. Amanda, Ming Rui, Wee Lin, Verity, James, Chan Yong, Leslie, Yong Chang, Shihe, James' brother and I sat at one table. Laughed so much.Gosh my ex classmates are awesome. Haha so funny. We kept suanning shihe. Everyone's quite different now. It was fun. So sad that I couldn't stay for starbucks.
I MISS MY STARBUCKS. XD
Well, I've got that DAMNED DV Presentation thing to worry about. BLERGH. SO SOSOSOSOSSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO SCARY. It's freaking wasting my time.
SAD life.
Haha but then it's not that sad is it really.
posted @ 11:15 PM |
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Lust and love are two different things.
Lust is "I want you".
Love is "I need you"
We all want what we can't have. Then again, we don't alays get what we want, do we?
There can be lust without love. But there cannot be love without lust can there?
Many people can't seem to tell the difference between the two. That is sad. A sad sad truth.
I can see the difference.
Can you?
posted @ 8:10 PM |
Monday, August 10, 2009
Hiii once again. I AM BACK. Heheh.
So this "long weekend" was rather relaxing. Went out A LOT. Haha. Hilda's birthday on saturday :D It was fun. THE CAKES ROCKED. WHOOOTS to nydc. I was TERRIBLE at bowling though. Hehehehehe.
Sunday sunday sunday... WENT TO KINOKUNIYA after church WHEE. I bought 7 books. Haha. HOWEVER the sad thing was that one of the books is not nice. GEHH. I thought it would be interesting but it's about this friendless guy who transfers to boading school and gets involved with people who like to smoke and drink. SO NOT MY TYPE OF BOOK. And CAN YOU BELIVE IT? The girl he's supposed to fall in love with DIES. Yes. DIES. As in D-I-E-S Dies. Some where in the middle of the book. SO "BLEH". I realise that I REALLY HATE books about 1) LOSERS 2) Middle aged people 3) Alcohol and smoking. REALLY HATE 'EM. RAWR.
Sigh. I SHALL NOT let one book ruin my high. AHAHA. My other books are awesome though. I finished one already it's called "Perfect Chemistry" ^^ Nice Nice Nice.
WHEEEE I LOVE ROMANCE NOVELS. Ha!
Okay, so having lots of homework this weekend really reeked. But silly old me still chose the "PROCRASTINATE" option. What a bad habit of mine.
OOO. I wonder if any pictures are up already. I shall go check. I'll blog more next time. Don't worry... The "She" post will become a normality. :D:D I plan to continue the story. Whahaha funn...
posted @ 10:06 PM |
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
As seconds continue to tick by; Tick tock, tick tock...
She stares blankly at the multitudes of clocks before her. They remind her of work. They remind her of dealines. They remind her of time; time she watches pass fleeting before her eyes. She is detached.
She turns her head to the left, looking at the black reflective sceen of her handphone. No new messages. No missed calls. Nothing. Nothing stirs in the black emptiness.
Sighs; she sighs. In her mind the fantasies rouse, just swimming at the edge of the consciousness. She lifts her head to stare at the clocks once again. Closing her eyes in acceptance, she plunges once again into her thoughts.
A weak smile pulls on the corners of her lips. The secrets of her toughts whispering through her mind. She exhales slowly, gathering her nerves. Ready? "Yes," she says out loud, as though it was a question meant to be answered.
Her focus shifts to him once again. Who is he? Where is he? She has no answer. Him. Subconciously, a silent name slips off of her tongue. What was that? She wasn't quick enough to hear herself. The word was forgotten. Forgotten, as it was never etched into her memory in the first place. She longs for him.
She feels strange. How could she want something that she does not even know exists? How can she long for someone that she has never met? Mysterious. Cryptic. It confused her. She, the unique, strong independant, was perplexed.
Him. She thinks again; a sigh of resignation slipping from between her lips.
A lone tear falls.
posted @ 10:21 PM |
HELLO.
Time passes and here I am again. It is TUESDAY already. D: I have loads of homework to complete. Tragic!
Wowww, all my Saturdays are BOOKED till the september holidays. EHH. Coolness.
Hilda's B'day this sat, movie and dinner next sat, pulau samakau the next sat, training and another dinner for the next and training again for the following. I never noticed how busy I've become. O: heheh.
WELL. National Day is coming up, I hope that they won't pile us with homework like they always do. HOPE HOPE HOPE. Sigh, I wish we'd have more free time. Stupid school with it's genius students and crazy assignments. I FAIL at MA3113.
ANYWAY, with me being so tragic and all, I hardly have the time to think about things like I used to. That's both a good thing and a bad. Aigh. What to do.
OH, that reminds me, I haven't had any interesting dreams lately. AWW. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE to dream? Haha well I do. It's so cool. COOLLLLL. My dreams are always pretty... fascinating. XD
ahhhh, we all lead tragic lives. TRAGIC.
The Tragic Tragedy.
posted @ 7:10 PM |
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Someone did something that the person shouldn't have done... eheheh
...
ANYWAY. Sorry for not blogging yesterday, was too blerghed out. Haha i watched 4hrs of anime instead of doing the stupid suibi last night. Luckily, I managed to finish it half an hour ago. LALALA.
It's been so great not having that much homework this weekend. SO RELAXEDD.
AHH Shakugan no Shana is AWESOME.
Hishoku no Sora
Soshite kono sora akaku somete mata kuru toki kono mi de susumu dake
Surechigatte iku ‘hito’ mo magirenakushita ‘MONO’ mo
Itsuka wa kieyuku toki
Atsuku yurugasu ‘tsuyosa’ hakanaku yureru ‘yowasa’
Shosen onaji mirai
Sonna nichijou kouka wo tokashi arawareru hi kureru sekai
Kaze ni nabikase sen wo hiite nagareru you na kamisaki teki wo sasu
Yurikitta omoi minagiru yume
Subete wa ima kono te de shimei hatashiteyuku dake
Mata hi ga hitotsu otosare sotto dokoka de kieta
Genjitsu kawaranu hibi
Dakedo tashikani kanjiru kimi no nukumori kodou
Kore mo shinjitsu da to
Soshite kurenai koujin wo maki yuuhi wo sei ni ima hajimaru saa
Naze takanaru kokoro ni mayoi tomadoi kanjiru no
Hayaku itazura ni abaredasu itami kowashite
Sora ni nijinda yaketa kumo wa uchi ni himeta negai ga kogashiteru
Tameratta hitomi ukabu namida demo ashita no chikara ni kaete
Subete sasagete mai orita chi saeru yaiba hitotsu de yami wo kiru
Itsu datte mune wo oku no hikari mabatakasete
Kono mi de shimei hatashiteyuku dake
______________________________________________________
And therefore, dye this sky red. The time has come again for my body to only go forward
Even the ‘people’ who pass by and the ‘THINGS’ which become lost in confusion
Will one day be like vanished memories
A passionate unwavering ‘strength’, a fleeting swaying ‘weakness’
They meet the same end after all
Such ordinary days melt the mundane world. The sun appears above the crimson world
Flutter in the wind and draw back the lines. Like the flowing tips of the hair, pierce the enemy
The feelings which were slashed, the swelling dream
Now, I will only carry all of my duties in my hands until the end
Once again, another light has fallen, it has quietly disappeared to somewhere
It’s the reality which doesn’t change day after day
However, I definitely feel it, your warmth, your heartbeat
This can also be called the truth
And therefore, it becomes crimson, scattering the mundane world. It’s now starting in the background of the evening sun
Why do I feel hesitation and confusion in my rapidly throbbing heart?
Hurry, destroy this pain which explodes in useless rage
The stained and scorched clouds in the sky burn the wishes concealed within
Tears welled up in my hesitant eyes, but change them into strength tomorrow
Offer up everything to the land where I have descended. With my single bright blade, I shall decapitate the darkness
The light deep within my heart will always sparkle
I will only carry out my duties until the end
posted @ 9:37 PM |
